Irrational Fear
by Fafsernir
Summary: It's not that he hates dog, but he just can't be near one without starting to have a panic attack – which may have led to him hating them, in the end.


_Hi there! A couple of things before you read this. It's set before we find out that Chandler "hates dogs" (so only Joey knows). And dogs are my deepest fear, so I (was really happy that Chandler was like that too?) started thinking about it and it wouldn't leave my mind, so here's a short fic about how he deals with his fear about dogs.  
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 _This fic is important to me as it's something I sometimes have to deal with, so I hope you guys will like! Enjoy :) (Oh and it's one of the rare times I wrote in the present tense, so yay!)_

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Chandler doesn't like walking in crowded places that much. Actually, he doesn't really enjoy walking outside. It's not that he wants to stay inside all the time, but being outside always puts him in an awkward position. Particularly when he walks past a dog. His heart fastens in his chest, his stomach doesn't look happy, and his mind wanders to crazy places, with thoughts like "What if that dog suddenly jumps at me?!"

When he's alone, he crosses the street. No matter where he wants to go or where he is. Just outside Central Perk when he wants to go in? He crosses, waits for the dog to be out of sight, or far enough, and crosses back.

When he's with someone, it's delicate. Joey knows, so Joey follows him whenever they see a dog and Chandler wants to cross the street. But only Joey knows. With the others, he has come up with new ways. He tries to kiss Monica when he's with her, because it takes his mind off the dog walking towards them for a few seconds, which is usually enough for the dog to be behind them. He tries to walk in the middle if they're all together. Not in the front row, not in the last, and with someone on his side. This one is harder, especially when he's with Phoebe because sometimes she just decides that she has a connection with the animal and pets it. Other times, he pretends to feel sick so his friends surrounds him.

He really has multiple ways of avoiding being too close to a dog. Of course, sometimes he can't escape it, and the dog brushes against his leg and it's the worst feeling ever. Partly because it's a dog, it's beautiful – most of the time – and probably really soft, and can certainly be adorable, but he just can't stand touching one, no matter how much he would want to. Mainly because he feels panic through his whole body, his throat tightening and his breath leaving his body.

The worst thing is that he can't really tell people, because it often comes out wrong when he says it. He doesn't want to say that he hates dogs, but he always says it like it. When, really, he doesn't _hate_ them. He just can't be near one without starting to have a panic attack – which maybe led to him hating them, in the end. He could explain, just like he did with Joey, but he doesn't want to. He knows people judge him for this fear. It's awful and they don't do it on purpose, but somehow being scared of spiders is normal while being scared of dogs is a blasphemy and he's going to end up in hell because "how can you?", "they are so cute!", "oh they won't bite you, stop whining" and more sentences he's heard over and over. So he stopped explaining, saying he's allergic instead. And when someone insists, he says he doesn't like them, because he's ashamed of being afraid of dogs.

And now, as he's walking with Monica and facing three big – _huge_ – dogs, he wants to die. Literally. He would rather die than be here, on this sidewalk. He tightens his hold on Monica's hand – something he tends to do: tensing instantly, especially if he has something or a part of someone in his hands – and takes a deep breath. He can't do it. They have to cross, right now, or the dogs will be here, and his head will explode, or his skin crack, or his bones disintegrate, or, oh God, one of the dogs is going to eat his face and he'll win the most stupid death award.

Apparently, he pulled the "feeling sick" act without meaning to, because Monica stops, worry written all over her beautiful face. Maybe because he stopped first and was holding her hand tightly, so she can only do the same, but at least she's in front of him as he starts to hyperventilate.

"Hon', are you okay? What's happening?"

He wants to answer, he really wants to, but he can't tell her the truth, and he's unable to say anything as the dogs arrive near them. He closes his eyes, praying. But he's never really been a good Christian, so of course one of the dogs – and of course, the one who isn't leashed – touches him, and he lets out a small whimper. That's it. He's going to die on that sidewalk. If not eaten by the dog, then probably from a stroke.

A stupid sentence comes to his mind, the one he's overheard, more so than anything else. The one that pisses him off the most. "But dogs can sense your fear!" And he's lost. He's both angry and scared to death. It's more than being scared for his life because something dangerous is happening, or scared to lose someone, or scared to end up completely alone. It's irrational fear, physical fear he never experienced before, especially because the dog is actually fucking sniffing him and won't leave. The sentence repeats itself in his mind and he wants to yell that he knows. He's not stupid! He knows dogs can feel he's afraid, that doesn't mean he's not scared or will stop. It's the sentence that makes him the most uncomfortable because everybody knows that and, as true as it can be, these words will never, _ever_ , help someone who is afraid. It only always makes him feel like shit because it's almost a reproach, a reminder of a common fact known by all that instantly sounds like "nobody should be afraid of dogs" to his ears.

"Chandler, look at me," Monica snaps, and he guesses she's been trying to get his attention for a while now. He opens his eyes and finds strength in her deep, blue eyes. He loves her eyes. "That's it, breathe..." He obeys, because she's always right, and he always listens to her. Well, he tries his best. "Alright, better," she smiles, and he's able to return it as he notices that there's nothing pushing his leg anymore. The dogs are gone, and he feels fucking stupid.

"Hey," he breathes out, so she knows he's definitely back with her.

"Are you okay?" she frowns, rubbing his shoulder then his back.

He relaxes a bit and sighs, nodding. "Thanks."

"Chandler, I love you," she starts and he doesn't understand and certainly doesn't like the beginning of the sentence which calls for more, for something he probably won't like. "But..." There it is. "You're kinda destroying my hand."

He stares at her, surprised, until he realizes that he has been holding her hand the whole time, with a death grip. He lets go, laughing nervously, but she keeps her hand in his, so he settles for massaging her fingers instead. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

"That's okay, it happens to everyone. Did something happen?" she asks as they start walking again.

He shrugs, still massaging her fingers. "Just something big at work I remembered," he chooses to lie.

It's always easier, he thinks. Even if he wants to tell her. He's afraid of her reaction, because he knows she loves dogs – she even had one, and she'll probably want one again – and he's pretty sure that as much as she loves him, she won't really get that he can be scared of something like puppies. And he's been over it with Joey and they both agree that nobody else should find out.


End file.
